A Rocket Chair Through Life
by Scripturience
Summary: Tavros and self-esteem never had a very close relationship. It was something he'd long since given up on having. Some might even consider him to be broken. Still, with a little help he's learning to live with himself, broken or not. A character study for Tavros Nitram. Humanstuck. GamTav/PBJ.


**AN:**Thanks to Kingtrace for helping me with the title. It comes from the name of Tavros's theme, dESPERADO ROCKET CHAIRS.

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Confidence. The belief in one's self. Self-assurance. Certainty.

Tavros Nitram knew what every single one of these things meant, yet they were somehow still foreign concepts. This was probably because for most of his life, the now young adult fought a strained uphill battle with self-esteem. If he was being honest, it was something Tavros always wanted for himself. Sometimes it felt like it was right in front of him. Like he could just reach out and grab it, and suddenly he'd be clutching confidence within his fist.

Unfortunately it was never that easy. From a very young age, the Taurus began to learn that whatever flimsy courage he started out with failed him all too easily. If he had to guess, it probably started with his stutter. He was teased for it, of course. Kids were mean. They can't help it, it's just part of growing up. At least that's what he was told. He couldn't ever quite find it in himself to be cruel to other people. Regardless, what originated as a simple commonplace speech impediment, was only worsened by his childhood tormenters.

Eventually he got over it, of course. Well, mostly anyway. Still, he remembers it bitterly as the first thing that singled him out. The first differentiating factor that got him thrown to the wolves of innocent and misguided pre-adolescent bullying. Or at least it was the first one he could remember.

With the bullying from preschool and kindergarten fresh in mind as his send off, Tavros began his journey through elementary school. Which all things considered, wasn't that bad. He was still picked on a little. Mostly for all the same reasons as before, which by that point he was used to. Still, thanks to closer supervision from teachers and kids actually having to learn things, it was considerably better. The young boy even found himself fitting in somewhat. Around that time in his life, his generation was still riding out the craze of poke-mania. Thankfully for Tavros, his interests were socially acceptable and even garnered him a circle of friends. He still remembers excitedly rambling off to Rufioh how he'd destroy everyone at battles around the lunch table.

However, all good things must come to an end. This is a fact of life that Tavros has made himself very familiar with. That aside, he's heard a lot of people these days going on about how 'we don't talk about middle school.' The Taurus has found that this is a sentiment he couldn't agree with more. After the fondly regarded days of grade-school came to an end, he and his peers found themselves making the big step into adolescence.

Middle school was, in one word, a disaster. Though it brings Tavros comfort to know that most people felt the same way. Suddenly, what he liked wasn't cool anymore, and his little group of friends gradually disbanded as people moved on to other things. He wasn't really alone though. He still had friends. He's mostly forgotten their faces by now, as he's tried to do with most of those years of his life. Digression aside, Tavros thankfully was not that one kid sitting alone at a lunch table. He was, however, that one kid that people really enjoyed making fun of. He was still the indecisive stuttering boy he was in preschool. In other words, he was still a target.

Somewhere along the line of childhood development, something causes middle school children to become the obnoxious sadistic little bastards that they are. Thankfully in Tavros's time physical violence and harassment were significantly frowned upon. He remembers his father boasting about all the fights he used to get into when he was in school. Instead, schoolyard scuffles and swirlies were replaced with relentless verbal abuse. Kids zeroed in on whatever weaknesses and differences they could find in each other, and produced the harshest insults in accordance with what their little brains could muster. Unfortunately, Tavros had plenty of insecurities. He was targeted for his stutter, his "nerdy" interests, his Latino heritage, and whatever else the prepubescent brats could muster against him.

Almost every adult in his life gave him the same answer. The old 'sticks and stones' adage. Tavros found that he resented it rather quickly, and still does. Frankly he considers it the most useless advice one can give. Eventually though, he managed. The insults faded into the back of his head after a while, and he actually began ignoring them.

So of course, when the young boy miraculously developed a tolerance to 'the words that would never hurt him,' they came up with other ideas. The worst incident he can recall was in 8th grade. Tavros was at his locker, gathering whatever stuff he needed to take home with him for the day, when he was approached by the current 'most popular girl in the class.' Though at that point, he didn't really feel anything…down there. Rufioh had always told him they were late bloomers.

The current 'queen bee' or whatever she was, started chatting him up. He tried his best to hold his own in the conversation, despite his usual nervousness. Tavros wasn't quite shy as he was awkward. He could talk to people, but as far as he was concerned it was not the most elegant thing in the world. Then, out of nowhere she was asking him to whatever lame middle school dance was coming up at the time and before he knew it he accepted. Despite not actually feeling anything towards this particular girl, or really anyone in general in that sense, Tavros said yes. Probably because it wasn't really in him to deliberately upset anyone.

His father was ecstatic. He even rented a tux for him and everything. He rambled on and on about how Tavros was 'becoming a man,' which only made him feel even more awkward about the situation. Nonetheless, he went. He didn't meet the girl at her house or anything because it was still middle school for crying out loud. Instead, his father rolled him up to the front of school and he wandered into the gym, tux and all. He wasn't surprised when she was actually waiting for him, because he still didn't expect the worst in people despite everything.

They shared an awkward first dance, with Tavros stepping on her feet several times because who was he kidding, this was fucking middle school and he had no idea how to dance. He was fairly sure she didn't either. Then, before he even knew what was happening, in the middle of their haphazard slow-dance the punch bowl had found its way onto Tavros's head and the sugary pink liquid was drenching his rental tux. Through the clear glass of the bowl, his eyes fell upon the crowd of kids laughing at his expense. His date was among them, though she only had an unreadable expression on her face.

And at that moment, for the first time in his life Tavros actually felt ill-will towards another person. Several others, actually. Though as much as he wanted to pull a Carrie, or even just a standing ovation against them, he couldn't. So instead he just sat there, trying his best to block out their cackling. Eventually he stumbled to his feet and shambled towards the poorly decorated gym doors. He didn't bother to check if they were still laughing at him, or if anyone even watched him go. Instead he just shuffled his way home. He still remembers the terrible feeling of the sticky dried punch on his skin against cool autumn air.

Thankfully, his father was out for whatever reason when Tavros returned. When Rufioh opened the door to see his brother on the edge of tears and a tinge of pink to his clothes, he didn't ask questions. Instead, his older brother pulled him inside and commanded him to take a shower. He hid the suit away so their father wouldn't suspect anything, promising to take it to be dry cleaned tomorrow. Later, when Tavros had changed clothes, the older Nitram didn't even complain when his little brother soaked his favorite T-shirt through with tears.

It was later on that year that Tavros found himself in a therapist's office. The school nurse suspected him of having social anxiety, and urged his father to have him diagnosed. Being the caring parent that he was, Mr. Nitram complied. Of course, Tavros really didn't want to do this. Yet, there he was, in a lobby with Rufioh at his side, waiting to be called in.

Then, before he knew it he was being guided down a long hallway by a secretary with a clipboard. She knocked gently on the door in front of them. A surprisingly young woman greeted them both, and the secretary strode away. The lady who Tavros presumed to be his therapist gestured to a couch and asked him to take a seat.

Tavros was pleasantly surprised when he found that the session was not as awkward as he expected. The therapist who identified herself as Aranea, was really relatable. Tavros suspected she was around Rufioh's age, but decided asking would be rude. She told him that she was actually still studying in college, but was doing well enough in her program to intern under supervision. For a therapist, Miss Serket did an awful lot of talking about herself. However, she was also a great listener. He told her all about his life, and when he mentioned what school he went to, she commented that her younger sister went there as well. She also added that they were the same age. Tavros wondered why they had never met before.

By the end of their session, Aranea had decided Tavros was probably not in need of any medications, which his father agreed with. He did however, continue to visit her office quite regularly as a patient. Tavros liked Aranea. She was genuinely kind to him, and having someone to actually talk about his problems with made him feel exponentially better. He's pretty sure she's what helped him survive the rest of middle school.

It wasn't until freshman year of high school that Tavros actually met the younger Serket. Apparently Aranea had been urging her sister meet him for quite some time. Things were awkward between them, at first. Tavros thought Vriska was pushy and rude, while she thought he was spineless and weak. Though eventually, somehow they became best friends. Tavros wasn't sure why Vriska gave him the time of day, considering she was decently well liked. She was more popular than him, anyway. He'd half wondered if she just pitied him. She always told him to shut up when he talked like that.

Vriska dragged Tavros into her social circle, which wasn't the biggest, but also not the smallest. He found that he actually quite liked who she surrounded herself with. Feferi was excited about their shared interest in animals (though she was excited over everything), Kanaya was happy to finally have a friend who enjoyed art (even though she was always trying to rearrange his wardrobe), and he could talk about video games and other 'nerdy' things with Sollux. Tavros actually felt like he belonged again.

He was happy to have Vriska as a best friend. He told her about all his insecurities and experiences with bullying, and she told him about the pressure she faced from her family. She was apparently well off, and her mother expected great things from both Vriska and her sister. Though Vriska resented both of them. Tavros wondered how anyone could dislike Aranea, but Vriska complained about how her mother expected her to rise to her elder sister's 'excellence.' She was the current valedictorian, and was expected to maintain that status 'or else.' Or at least that's how she put it.

Needless to say, Tavros was incredibly shocked when his closest friend made a move on him. He was visiting over at her place for what she said was going to be a study group, only to find that Vriska had in fact not invited anyone else over and had the intention of trying to suck his face off. When he didn't kiss back, she was somehow angry, disappointed, and apologetic all at the same time. Coincidentally, around this time was also when Tavros discovered his…sexuality.

After the catastrophic kiss, they both agreed to stay friends. Tavros was thankful that things weren't nearly as awkward as they could have been between them.

Vriska was the first person Tavros decided to tell about his...revelation. Not only because she was his closest friend, but also because he felt in a way that he owed it to her, despite how weird it sounded. It was one of the scariest things he ever had to do. He figured Vriska probably wouldn't care. As far as he knew her older sister was in a relationship with a woman, if that picture on her desk was anything to go by. Still, it was a pretty big deal to him. That's why when he stood before her, sweating profusely and barely able to get out a word, he was glad that her only reaction was a reassuring hug. That was probably the nicest Vriska had ever been to him. She later told Tavros how proud she was that he 'finally took some fucking initiative for once.'

Eventually the bossy girl convinced (she nearly threatened to break his arm) Tavros into telling his father and brother. He was even more nervous than with Vriska, but having done it the first time did help somewhat. As expected, Rufioh wasn't particularly bothered. He seemed to fool around with both sexes just as equally anyway. His father was only dismayed at the fact that he'd never have any grandchildren. When his sons reminded him of Rufioh, he clarified that his oldest child was a 'man whore' much to Tavros's amusement. Rufioh was less than pleased.

The next few years of Tavros Nitram's high school career were actually, dare he say it, fun. Aranea had mostly helped coach him through his stutter by then, which he was infinitely grateful for. He was doing fairly well in all his classes, he had new and supportive friends, and he even started going to parties when Vriska forced him to. Many people have said high school was the best time of their lives. While Tavros didn't necessarily feel the same way, he could say with confidence (real shocker) that he enjoyed himself.

Then came the stressful phase in his life. Applying for college had been a very nerve wracking process for Tavros. If he was being honest with himself, at that point in his life he had absolutely no clue what he wanted to do for a living, let alone for a major. Then there was the actual decision of which colleges he wanted to go to. Of course, Vriska simplified the process for him when she made the Taurus apply to the same school as her. A fancy and prestigious university in New York City. He was sure he wouldn't get in. It was exclusive, and Tavros didn't think anything about himself was worthy of something exclusive. Of course, when their acceptance letters and scholarships arrived in the mail, Vriska 'I told you so'd' Tavros almost literally to death. But not before reprimanding him for not believing in himself. She tended to do that quite a lot.

Before he knew it, it was time for Tavros to depart for college. Rufioh had been going to a more local school so he was still staying with their father. Regardless, the oldest Nitram was nearly in tears at his youngest son's departure, despite the fact that Tavros was not even venturing out of state. As he hauled his luggage to Vriska's car, his father shouted warnings about STDs and condoms to his retreating back, which Vriska tormented him about for the entire duration of the ride to NYC.

Miss Serket had very graciously secured them a rather nice apartment to share not too far away from the university. Tavros was fairly certain it was expensive as all hell, but that didn't seem to bother her. She had always been fond of him, despite the fact that he found her to be incredibly intimidating. He thanked Vriska's mother for the apartment nearly every opportunity he got.

Things were a bit rough at first. Tavros got homesick often, much to Vriska's annoyance. Both of them had to go in undeclared, since Tavros couldn't decide on a major and Vriska constantly fought with her mother over the subject.

Still, everything had been going quite well. Tavros would be lying if he said he wasn't overjoyed with how things were working out. The Taurus really didn't know what more he could ask for in life.

Then he met Gamzee. Their school was decently large, so naturally he ran into a lot of strangers. The two encountered each other in art history, a large lecture that Tavros enrolled in out of interest and Gamzee out of necessity. He was a little bit annoyed when the taller teen kept distracting him almost immediately after occupying an adjacent seat. They were far enough away so that the professor would not be able to hear (Tavros always had terrible luck getting a good seat), so Gamzee was taking advantage of that to talk his ear off. He tried not to be rude and openly show his irritation, while simultaneously listening to both Gamzee and the lecture on impressionism. Obviously it didn't go too well.

After the 50 minute class drew to a close, they both went their separate ways, but not before exchanging names. Numbers would come much, much later.

From that day onward, Gamzee sat next to him in art history every single class. He somehow managed to spot Tavros out of the literal hundreds of people in the room (though the Mohawk might have helped). Though he actually grew to like Gamzee quite a bit, he sometimes wondered how he made into the university. He seemed quite spacey, and cursed all the time, nearly unable to finish a sentence without saying 'motherfucker.' Regardless, the two of them grew reasonably close for having met in an art history lecture.

Eventually Tavros found himself crushing on his new friend. He hated to admit it, but Gamzee was…hot. He loved his striking blue eyes and his crazy curls. Honestly he was starting to like everything about him, which was a little alarming considering they hadn't known each other that long. Still, the Taurus thought nothing of it. He doubted that Gamzee was interested anyway.

When he confessed his crush to Vriska, he was a little surprised to discover that she knew him as 'that dumb ass stoner kid in my music theory class.' Tavros instantly regretted telling her, because then his best friend and all of her pushy and controlling nature started trying to hook them up. Suddenly Gamzee was invited to everything they did. She tried calling him over to the apartment more than even he was comfortable with, and as far as Tavros knew it took a lot to unnerve him. At some point she even slipped Gamzee his phone number.

Eventually Vriska's tactics must have gotten to him, because Gamzee took it upon himself to confront Tavros about what the hell was going on. The shorter teen tried with as much composure and dignity that he could muster (which was none) to just tell Gamzee that he liked him and get it over with. It was the first thing that made him stutter again since middle school. However, it also earned him, much to his surprise, the second non-consensual kiss of his life.

While he was irritated at Gamzee for the kiss, it was outweighed by his relief that he reciprocated. Though when he told Vriska about it, she seemed to be more psyched about it than either of them. However, he was a little irked at her over her involvement in the matter as well. Still, Tavros had to admit, overall he was happy.

And so began their relationship together. Gamzee was a very patient and understanding person, which Tavros felt to be a nice change of pace from a certain roommate of his. He was a little too clingy and had abandonment issues, but Tavros knew he himself wasn't without flaws either. He later discovered his boyfriend, like his best friend, was also pretty damn rich; which would explain how he got into such an exclusive school. Not to say that Gamzee was stupid. He was actually a lot more intelligent than he initially let on. Tavros found through their relationship that there was more to the man than meets the eye. He was incredibly affectionate, especially in public. At first Tavros was a little uncomfortable with it, but eventually he got to used it. He found it to be sweet, even.

While he couldn't deny that things were remarkably better in his life, Tavros still had his demons. Gamzee assured him nearly every day that he was 'the most motherfuckin' beautiful thing in the world' but he still had a hard time believing it. He'd never really felt well, desirable, before. He wanted to believe his boyfriend, he really did. But there are some things a person just doesn't get over.

Tavros Nitram spent the majority of his life until this point feeling unwanted. Granted his father and brother were great to him, and high school could have been worse. But having a childhood filled with bullying and ridicule does things to a person. The feelings evoked in him by his peers never quite left. He still thinks back to it. He never ended up telling anyone what happened. Rufioh obviously knew something, but they never discussed it. Tavros didn't bother finding out all of the details about what happened. He preferred to forget as much as possible, despite the fact that he just couldn't. The feeling of having his emotions along with just the idea of someone actually wanting relationship with him being mocked, it's the kind of pain a person remembers. The worst part to him, was that those kids probably didn't even remember it. It was just a cheap laugh for them. That was it. It bothered Tavros, really. Mostly because _he_ was bothered by it so much. Which is probably why he never talked to anyone about it. He never wanted to look stupid for holding onto something that his peers let go of so easily. Regardless, it hurt.

He's gotten better, definitely. But just as Tavros has to assure Gamzee that he'll never leave, his lover has to remind him constantly of his own worth.

And it touches him. It really does, because he knows Gamzee means it. A lot of the time the Taurus doesn't even think he deserves it. Or Gamzee at all for that matter. He's so funny and sweet and good looking, and Tavros is…Tavros. But Gamzee just tells him that he's so much more than he thinks he is. He knows that his boyfriend loves him with every fiber of his being. He tries to prove it to Tavros every day. But something in his brain just prevents his reassurances from sticking. He wants to believe he's as amazing as Gamzee makes him feel, but some things just aren't that simple.

Still, he's getting better. Or at least he hopes he is. He's trying to. That Tavros knows for sure.

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Confidence. If you asked most people, Tavros Nitram probably wouldn't even know what the word means. To him, it's something he's always wanted for himself. Something people in his life have tried to instill in him. Vriska through her forceful and controlling ways, and Gamzee through his gentle and sweet reassurances. He's not really sure how well either are working.

Things in his life may not be perfect. They never have been, for that matter. But Tavros is learning to live with it.

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**AN:**I was talking with my best friend about issues like self-esteem and body image. Both of us have pretty bad experiences with the kind of stuff that happened in this fic (no we did not get punch bowls on our heads) so it made me want to write about it. My mind went straight to Tavros, and then this happened. But yeah guys, this kind of shit really can fuck a person up for life. Please, don't take bullying lightly. It might not seem like a big deal to the person doing it, but more often than not words leave a bigger impact than one would think. Anyways anti-bullying preaching aside, I hope you all enjoyed this fic, and thanks for reading! And if you wouldn't mind, please give me your thoughts in a review.


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